Couples Therapy: What Happens If We Fight During a Session?
As couples therapists, one of the most common concerns we hear from clients, especially those new to the process, is the fear of fighting during sessions. There's a prevailing misconception that couples therapy is a serene space where all disagreements magically disappear, and if an argument does erupt, it's a sign of failure or that the relationship is beyond repair. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. Conflict emerging in the therapy room is not only normal but often incredibly valuable.
Why Fighting Happens in Couples Therapy (And Why It's Okay)
Couples therapy is designed to uncover underlying issues, unspoken resentments, and entrenched patterns of interaction. When these raw, often painful topics surface, it's natural for emotions to run high. Here's why it's not only expected but can be beneficial:
Authenticity
Pretending everything is fine or holding back during a session would be counterproductive. When an argument unfolds, we get to witness your unvarnished communication styles, your triggers, your defensive reactions, and the specific "dance" you and your partner fall into.
Real-Time Observation
It allows your therapist to see the problem in action. Instead of just hearing about a fight that happened last week, we observe the subtle cues, the escalating language, the moments of disconnection, and the attempts (or lack thereof) at repair.
Unpacking the "How"
Most couples aren't fighting about what they think they're fighting about. The argument over dirty dishes might actually be about feeling unheard, disrespected, or unappreciated. When conflict occurs in session, we can pause, slow down the interaction, and delve into the patterns and the unmet needs driving the conflict.
Learning New Skills on the Fly
When an argument arises, it's an immediate opportunity to intervene and introduce new communication tools. We can practice active listening, using "I" statements, expressing vulnerability, or taking a regulated "time-out" in the moment.
What Happens When a Fight Erupts in Session?
My role shifts from facilitator to active guide. Here's a typical approach:
Safety First: My primary concern is always emotional safety. While strong emotions are welcome, personal attacks, name-calling, threats, or any form of abuse are not. I will intervene immediately if boundaries are crossed, ensuring both partners feel respected and secure.
Slowing Down the Cycle: I'll often interrupt the escalating argument. This isn't to stop the fight, but to slow it down, to allow both partners to step out of their reactive fight-or-flight mode. We might take a breath, acknowledge the rising tension, or even take a brief pause.
Identifying the Pattern: We'll then examine the dynamic. "What just happened here?" "What were each of you trying to communicate?" "What did you hear your partner say, and how did it make you feel?" We'll identify the predictable dance you fall into — one partner pursues, the other withdraws; one criticizes, the other defends.
Homework and Practice: The skills learned in the session need to be practiced outside of the session. We'll discuss how to apply these new ways of relating in your daily lives, reinforcing the positive changes.
When Fighting in Therapy Can Be Problematic
While conflict is generally productive, there are instances where it can hinder progress or indicate deeper issues:
Abusive Dynamics: If there is any history or ongoing pattern of physical, emotional, or psychological abuse, couples therapy in its traditional form may not be safe or appropriate. Individual therapy is often recommended first to ensure safety and empower the abused partner.
Lack of Willingness to Engage: If one or both partners are unwilling to take accountability for their part in the dynamic, consistently deflect, or refuse to practice new behaviors, progress will be limited.
Constant Blame: If sessions devolve into a courtroom where each partner is solely focused on proving the other wrong rather than understanding the dynamic, the therapeutic process struggles.
Don't let the fear of fighting prevent you from getting the help you deserve in your couples therapy sessions. Our office is ready to help you and your partner engage conflict in healthy, respectful, and constructive ways. Set up an appointment to begin your journey.
